Pressuring/guilting him into not going? But Id want OP to figure out a little more what this behavior of his is really about, and make sure its not his way of trying to control her / torpedo her career, before Id recommend she let him supervise her work trip. Or his response could give her more information about what is really on her husbands mind. At least, not something like this, which is a very normal part of having a job. That said, in order to see them, we either have to travel to see them or they have to travel to see us. think twice before sharing personal details, foster a friendly and supportive environment, remove fake accounts, spam and misinformation, delete posts that violate our community guidelines, reviewed by our medical review board and team of experts. She is not the nicest mother in law, either. as an excuse for his angst. But if not, why would you stay with this. If someone tells my son, I am a thief, or. They sometimes ask if Im from some sort of obscure cult, or something. If you miss out on a promotion or are the first let go in the layoffs because you refused to go to this conference, you will look back on this with regret. I thought it was supposed to be would NEVER let their significant others go. Its the kind of autocorrect my phone makes; even/never. When I moved to a big city to go to grad school, I got ALL KINDS of concern, especially when I started working swing shift and got home at midnight! First, therapy is good, but medication is faster. Good luck! Sin City. Your husband is way overreacting and yall need to figure out why. Best of luck! Since its the church he was raised in, she feels like his judgement rules on that. Vegas is not somewhere Id vacation, but conferences there are very smooth and convenient. They are for sure marketing themselves as a place you can party it up (and you certainly can do that) but again, thats not unwholesome in and of itself. Its the inappropriate (in typical American business culture) reaction of the husband thats the issue here, not whether its legitimate to try and get out of business trips sometimes. And plenty of men there without their wives. Your level of trust in him. I had half a day free so I went horseback riding in the desert (which was spectacular and I recommend to anyone). I really wish people would take the time to think beyond their first assumption in issues like this. I go on a vacation with my sisters, or go to my cousins house in PA. We enjoy the time apart. (Is he really afraid you will be kidnapped or is he being hyperbolic to try to convince you to stay?). OK! I really hope he is able to get help and you are both able to get to a better way of engaging with each other on this. If youre not going during SXSW or Austin City Limits, you can get hotel rooms consistently for less than $200 in Austin. Until I heard the week after that everyone was kept so busy that they really didnt have time or energy to do any of the fun stuff. Its a very highly policed city. First, thank you so much for sharing your insight. FYI: I mean crazy in a flippant sense not as an insult to any mental health issue. Id also check out books such as When Panic Attacks and How to Stop Worrying and Start Living Life. And in the second place, theres definitely nothing that conflicts with the fact that surveying ones friends is not a great way to navigate ones marriage. I read it as him being anxious and unreasonable. Its just Vegas (and Disney) are more designed to keep you inside their controlled, predictable corporate environment so as to better separate you from your money. I dont let him go on trips because we dont manage each others lives like that, but I do support his career and any travel that entails even if its stressful for me. arent at all limited to Vegas. Yeah, I sometimes hear about people who really want a job with a lot of work travel, or people who think being a flight attendant would be really glamorous, and Im just like meh. Its also fascinating, because it makes me wonder about his friends. Ive looked at the posts from the OP (Working Wife), and in the first place, she hadnt posted when I posted this. My husband nearly had to go to Vegas for a conference a couple of months ago (were in the UK so its pretty far!) I feel a sudden need to greet my husband at the door tonight and give him a big hug. You need your job and you need a good career trajectory, even assuming you and your husband stay together and nothing different happens in the future. Just dont! as a 1000 decibel chorus of YES! But he needs to sit down, fix a drink (I prefer Earl Grey, YMMV), and look at his actions and the state of his marriage. Itd be easy for the husband to dismiss the wifes concerns as Well SHE wants to cheat. I am angered that every time I have to go he seems to have an emotional breakdown. Thats fine! To expand a little bit on what Anita and others above have posited: Regardless of whether this is solely an artifact of having absorbed toxic masculinity, or an anxiety/perseverative/compulsive thoughts issue, or some combination thereof, my experience has been that successful treatment of such issues will likely involve at least some behavior change on the part of the OP, and the OP stands to gain a lot of helpful personal skills by being an active participant (as appropriate) in whatever mix of interpersonal, couples, or cognitive behavioral therapy that they find. BTW- my husband didnt blink an eye when I told him I was going to Vegas for a whole week with a male co-worker. The letter writers last trip was in February and the manager from the other thread wrote to Alison in the beginning of March, which would be right after she got back from this Vegas trip and told her boss she would no longer travel. Sure there used to be a lot of strip joints, etc., but now the most naked people are in the Cirque shows, and they just look naked. By letting him come chaperone her once I worry that now hell believe this is reasonable and that he should chaperone all future work travel then all interactions with work colleagues, with single men, etc. The educational health content on What To Expect is reviewed by our medical review board and team of experts to be up-to-date and in line with the latest evidence-based medical information and accepted health guidelines, including the medically reviewed What to Expect books by Heidi Murkoff. And it also sounds like this is unusual in their area, so its not a situation that he sees tons of people going through unruffled. Go on the trip. You know, because men never get kidnapped or roofied. You are married to someone who spent three days while you were traveling for work burdening you withgroundless questions about your conduct. I think theres sometimes a tendency in certain corners of the internet to equate I have to talk to my partner about X before I can do it or My partner doesnt want me to do Y with OMG controlling relationship!, when there are lots of circumstances where that kind of thing is totally reasonable. If you do this, he will *hate* it; I did, and so did my Mother, when I started doing this. If I squint really hard, I can kiiiinda see the objection to the first scenario (though still not really), but objecting to the second is very weird. Do you want to go? You could talk tohim about why hedoesnt want you there and see ifthere are any issues that need toberesolved outside ofavacation setting, oryou could simply ask him ifhed like you togowith him next time. Marriage counseling is good for her so she can express her love for me without sounding like a hypochondriac. Also theres a debate up thread about if prostitution is legal in Vegas (seems to be no, but it is legal nearby). Ive visited Las Vegas several times and loved it. I think that there can be a tendency in intimate relationships to prioritize keeping the peace, and emphasizing why thats a bad idea here and confirming that giving into the husbands demands and not going on the trip should be off the table is valuable coming from someone who gives advice about workplace stuff. Entertainment loves to show affairs starting in the office, people lying about business trips when they have a whole nother family, etc. He doesnt get to say you cant do anything. The only effective thing to do with anger is for one of you to walk away leave the house if you have to. This is a man who is trying to actively sabotage her career. Go on the trip, do not jeopardize that job, youll need it when you come to your senses and get rid of this guy. It was a hard thing to learn (Look, Mom, its so simple, just literally never leave the house and Ill never be anxious! sounds SO rational in your head when youre facing lots of catastrophic thoughts!) Gift of fear is fine for some things, but lacking in partnership issues advice and perspective. Best of luck to you. I also have a lot of real/not real conversations in my own head. I never said anything about kiddnaping I had 3 seperate friends get sexually assaulted there. Not from the letter and not from the follow ups.
You can always spend less at a Days Inn or Holiday Inn or similar 3-star facility. But the husband is the asshole how dare he worry about his wife, Absolutely get counseling. If this is anxiety, OCD, or any other disorder then therapy for himself is absolutely necessary. If your husband doesnt trust you to handle three days sitting in conference rooms in Las Vegas with your coworkers, thats a fundamental relationship problem. Any time I read My spouse wont let me . I want to yank that person out of that relationship. Jealous? Any evening events they go to are as likely as not to just be parties. I still tease her about it. And, if not, perhaps he and the OP should take a trip together there (not on one of her business trips). If my wife was going off just to gamble and get wasted with other dudes Id be against that too., I highly doubt he posed it as My wifes company keeps taking business trips to Las Vegas. The obvious thing is that anxiety, fear and control issues are not rational, and no matter how many times you state the reality, it wont change a thing. Be bored, and be boring: This is not a debate, this is a fact deal with it but stated calmly, not aggressively. Then I realized that he was not being irrational he was worried, and it was not a burden for me just to check in once in awhile, especially if I am on unfamiliar dark roads. I got friend walks with doggo once a week to give myself what I needed while respecting that my husband didn't " I don't want to travel the world with you to film weddings and turn ever work trip . A Group Leader is a What to Expect community member who has been selected by our staff to help maintain a positive, supportive tone within a group. But they definitely need marriage counseling. Also, in some (not all) work situations, it would be quite weird and out of step for someone to bring their spouse along. OP, how long do you think you can tolerate his behavior? If this resonates with you, OP, about your husbands behavior, something important to know is that there is no appeasing this line of thinking. I have informed him and he hasnt taken it very well. For anyone who has traveled for business, it is a dream destination because it is convenient. I went to Vegas for several scientific conferences back in the day, and I thought it was a weird idea until the first time I actually went. Is it indulging in a pleasurable vice? Im going to second the suggestion of marriage counseling, but I think your husband sounds controlling and unreasonable. While I was away, he made me upset the whole time with his anxiety of what-ifs and what-nots. the religious environments patriarchal enough that it would be an inherent problem would ALSO have a problem with the woman being the one who works. Another option is to share infowhen you get there take a picture of where you are stayingshow the agenda, let him know what you are doing, check in at the end of the night. My in-laws (who I no longer speak to) freaked out when my wife and I got our current apartment because they found out it was across the street from the best Mexican restaurant in our city. Where is he staying. DH and I took our little girl on a 14-hour car trip when she was 4 weeks old (she's 10 weeks now). This doesnt excuse the behavior either way, but I think could be something to specifically discuss with him in addition to the other suggestions people have here. Its not bad practice to not accept food or drink from strangers, or let your drink out of your sight at a bar, but Id worry about those things much less in Las Vegas than in a local bar. No matter how cool your parents are, money always comes with obligations. (And hes questioning the motives of the company in having the trip in the first place? One ofour Bright Side readers sentus ane-mail pouring her heart out about atricky situation shes going through. I get heated at the principle of spouses letting each other do things. Honestly the greatest threat to LWs safety is probably lung cancer from second-hand smoke in the casinos. But my wife really worded it in a way to get the Im a crazy jealous husband. This reminds me of when I studied abroad in London and my mom warned me about people like Jack the Ripper. Nope. I had no problem with it. Unlikely if its not part of her character, but certainly more possible than in Eerie, Pennsylvania. There are few things worse than insisting that your partner go to therapy, and then having them misrepresent the situation and use therapy to validate themselves. Apparently the husband hasnt been to Las Vegas recently, because now its like Disneyland with slot machines. In addition to marriage counseling, he or both may want to consider individual counseling as well. My own brain is like that. I would idd consider flying. Theres some merit to this and the What happens in Vegas thing. My partner finds it funny that I get excited to go to Vegas for work and roll my eyes when it is a friend/social trip because he knows me so well. Period. He knows that travelling for work is non-negotiable, so hes willing to put in the work to make it easier for both of us. That didnt make me feel better for the Letter Writer. Unless youre asking permission to uproot your familys life or something it just seems infantilizing. It has helped me also to understand where that response came from not just the ex baggage, but early childhood experiences damaged his basic trust, which he is working on. We went to the Grand Canyon, went ziplining in the mountains and had a great without ever stepping in a casino. ), but accommodating him a bit on that is reasonable, in my book and most importantly, has zero to do with his feeling ownership of me or thinking his wishes trump my work demands, and more to do with just wanting to be sure Im safe. (Overeating or eating rich foods, drinking, drugs, gambling, or sex?) Thoughts? Its absolutely true, and she gets so. The ugliness. If youre from a community where a spouse needs to sign off on business travel and letting you go is a real thing, I suggest couples counseling to explore that. Whoever heard of such a thing, going to Sin City for work! And my husband has two business trips of at least four days each in the next two months and Im rather thrilled. I think the reputation itself also makes people think its okay to act more crazy than they might. I do think the OP should be cautious and watch for other signs of controlling behavior/abuse, but if this is an aberration (and she says above that it is), I dont think the what happens in Vegas is enough to shift it for me. It can feel very cruel to set boundaries and do what you need to do for yourself when it feels like your partner is suffering, but the accommodations are just very temporary band-aids. Regardless of whether the husband is trying to control you, or whether he is merely unable to overcome devastating anxiety, the effect is the same: You need to keep your job and live your life like a normal person, either so you can support him in recovering from this anxiety (pay for counseling, health insurance, treatment) or so you can escape what may very well be an abusive situation. In Vegas, these things are part of the fabric of the city. I really hate the bad rap Vegas gets. Casinos are closely monitored and have security, and its a very touristy city, so I imagine there are a lot of people out and about at night (at least near the strip). Honestly, corporate meetings in Vegas are not the sexfests people think they are. I cant speak for anyone but IMHO a little travel, twice a year or so is fine and take your spouse if you can but this several overnights monthly is not what I signed up for. Working Wife, I truly dont know what your marriage is. Me too!.which is probably why Im not married ;). Some people get really over the top anxious about things like this such that it becomes its own problem, maybe even more of an independent factor than the sexism thing (which kind of compounds it because its a societal trope that reinforces some of what would otherwise seem more out there on the face of it). Oh dear. 4. Who the hell lies about going on vacation with family while simultaneously depriving you of a partner, coparent, and also seeing your own family. I have anxiety, and so does my husband and this isnt really an anxiety reaction, but a control issue. It doesnt sound as though shes given him any reason to be so insecure. Sorry, that isnt useful. He may not listen and will keep bringing it up, but its worth a shot (and then repeating)! Wow.
husband doesn t want to go on family vacation Marriage counselling is categorically not recommended if there is abuse. A great thing to consider would be inviting a few friends over on Friday night for Shabbat dinner. I know Im a good driver, and that I can handle this, but every time you have these little worry fits you make me doubt myself. That doesnt strike me as weird at all. Its probably rooted in a sexist view and I dont know who hes talking to everyone objects to their partners going because thats insane. I suspect that he says that because he can frame it as Im only concerned for YOUR safety, rather than When you go to Las Vegas, I feel like I am not in control of you, and that makes me unhappy. I bet he doesnt even really think you will cheatits about knowing that you COULD and he wouldnt see and couldnt do anything about it. That said, Id say go on the trip, because I dont think you should pander to his lack of trust in you. Therapy is really personal, and a bad fit or burnt-out therapist can be worse than no therapist at all. Wow, that is some really scummy manipulation. Everyone agrees with me and thinks youre unreasonable and crazy. One reputation of the city, deliberately played up in media, is that it is a raunchy sin city full of gamboling, sex, and wild parties. OPs husband sounds like my mom. The part about staying on the same team is so, so key, and I hope the OPs husband approaches this as thoughtfully as you have. One of my biggest gripes about Vegas is that most of the hotels wont allow food delivery carriers to deliver to your room. I care about your son's emotional health, the emotional damage he will suffer, when this emotional abuser of an ex tells his lies about you. Couples therapy, NOW, to sort out this huge red flag. Hey, if they didnt want me to take 2 Jacuzzi baths a day they shouldnt have put a TV in there! Me: I dunno, man, that seems pretty significant to me. I have friend who grossly exaggerates the number of people who support his stance, nevermind the the biasing in surveying. What other people?
husband doesn t want to go on family vacation (also, the remedy would normally be that both the wife and husband go to Vegas, not that the husband bans the business trip), I want to push back, snark, in case anyone else reading sees your comment and decides that couples isnt a good course of action because the issue is with one person in the couple.. Not the least of which is that the people involved all made that choice for themselves there was no issues of someone letting or not. But this type of situation cant stay like this, so dont jeopardize the ability to support yourself when things get worse. Of course control issues are a possibility. Maybe so, but I know plenty of people who, as JenB says above, have anxiety and dont express it in toxic and gendered ways that were really talking about two problems. So this is a relationship question, as Allison and others have said. Mothers anxious overprotectiveness would have destroyed me (and my relationship with her) if Id let it limit my life the way she wanted to (in the moment, when she was anxious). When I first started at my last full-time job, a coworker and I were both sent to Washington DC for a three-day conference to learn our jobs (wed both started around the same time, in a very niche legal field). fractured ending scene; harold bornstein obituary cause of death; can you play volleyball with a torn acl; gambar teguh sugianto. I second counseling. Its not about what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, its about Vegas has made themselves a very strong event destination, and that includes for regular businesses.. Make sure that appointment is booked. Most business conferences result in 3 days on location you probably wont leave the hotel. In THAT case, that is a super not-normal response, and its very strange that theres a whole group of people who support this thinking. Which is actually one of the reasons why I think this is not just a control issue. Can everyone please stop armchair diagnosing? M.M. Significant others who mess with your career or education are bad news. We did it almost two weeks ago and it took about 14 hours, and now we're headed home. We all had a blast. Would he partake in an support of psychological therapy and consoling? To me, wholesome is about the primary purpose of the activity. I remember being like, What would I even DO with all this space? ha! Its either anxiety or abuse, or both, or neither; and none of those things address the husbands *behaviour* or the OPs next steps. If your partner has been in therapy for years and isnt making progress, its very possible that their therapist doesnt have the full picture. (In 1989 there was 24-hour keno in practically every restaurant.). And he, I think, talked that out with a therapist eventually. Agree with the advice for counseling. And the issue was never me, or our marriage or anything like that, it was entirely a him problem, his anxiety and fear due to an accident we had Christmas eve one year. It doesnt seem like he has much ability to manage his own emotionshes unloading them on you to manage insteadand thats a skill all adults should learn, I think. That would be buying in to his controlling behavior and it would be a bad move for their relationship. What if you could guarantee there wouldnt be any impact on your career either way, and your husband didnt have an opinion either way? I have been to Las Vegas many times over the years on business, including a few times when I was completely on my own without co-workers to hang with. One of mine once told me that his mom felt that I was being very unfair to him and was devastated that she wouldnt get to plan our wedding. Only time we have really argued is this stupid Vegas trip which isnt mandatory. Collect them from travel agents and show it to your husband, wife or partner. You dont get an opinion on whether youre dumped!! My wife has these same kinds of fears during my daily commute, let alone when I travel for business. I can fold laundry and watch chick flicks and read novels in the tub after the kids go to bed, He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go.. Yeah, I was in Vegas just a couple of weeks ago. And that now his family isdisappointed inme. She wrote: His main objection is the fact that the trip is located in Las Vegas. The good part is that I was able to figure out why I had that reaction, which (mostly) made it go away. Yep, and because the hotels make most of their money through conference bookings and casino profits instead of room rentals, you can get really nice hotels for stupidly cheap. I only wanted to get someplace, anyplace, without slot machines. He might be in some kind of internet echo chamber, like one of the misogynist subreddits, and all the guys in there told him Shes totes just going there to have sex with random dudes! because thats the way those corners of the internet are. Echoing this. I wonder if there are other circumstances in which he exhibits similar behavior. Not everything is OMG READ GIFT OF FEAR!!! Group Owners uphold the core values of the brand by reporting content that violates the community guidelines. I use the word unstable because Im not diagnosing him with anything, but referring to what he is doing. I also suggested going to counseling for professional diagnosis and treatment. How entitled can someone be to think that their ex has to justify wanting to break up and have a good cause? I do NOT like it because OMG ALL THE NOISE ALL THE TIME, but I didnt ever feel unsafe. I meet family from California. Vegas! It seems a loving husband would have found a way for his wife to attend her best friends wedding. I mean sure its possible hes found someone that shares his view, but I think its mostly him just hearing what he wants to hear. Yeah, I saw that. Im reminded of when my flying phobia was at its worst, and I was going to take a flight on Friday the 13th. <3. And the largest baggage-caroussel room Id ever seen and then I saw the OTHER baggage-caroussel room, that was unused at the time. I was just sure my wife and son were either missing or dead. Theyre both controlled, predictable corporate environments that can provide controlled, predictable hospitality services, often at a price affordable enough to attract business conferences. Its really easy to say everyone else agrees (and they conveniently do so somewhere that you cant actually see/hear what they said), so anything that smacks of that strikes me as worthy of taking with a shakerfull of salt. She should set a boundary around this type of thing because it gets out of hand. Same. But I did find pictures of her with male strippers so yeah Im nervous shes younger and hasnt traveled like I have the world can be dangerous.
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