how to hold a narcissist accountable

Mine came back after 8 years of doing what he wanted. Did not EVER think he would leave me. If you dont have the skills nor are you willing to learn them, you cant do the job. God is reasonable and fair, and doesnt expect anyone to live a life of torment within a union that lacks peace and love, and causes harm. I dont believe it will work for my husband and I as I have tried for 7 years and nothing has changed. If anyone knows what resources will be of help to me, please let me know. Hi to everyone who has written in, this has to one of the very best blogs ever. Si niw I said that I would be his fruend fire er and with that, im o.k. I would really appreciate any input. He will not hear me in that moment. Two weeks after the birth when we/I set up a date to meet, to top it all off, when I realised he hadnt told his Dad (who he was living with) about our son he proceded to tell me that he wanted to tell his Dad Id just surprised him with a baby.as it would make him look bad. When I found out and tried to explain to them that, that was not the case they would not renew our lease and we had 30 days to find a new home. I need to do that. During our twenty-eight years of marriage, my husbands manipulation has been very successful in keeping me from many relationships including family, both mine and his. He has admitted what he was doing and also admitted what he feels. Excessive Demands on Others The love-bombing stage is over. I know where this comes from, even knowing this it hasnt changed a thing. Would the more dominate one win out or would they x each other out? I agree with all of this content. 29 years has taken its toll, it is not easy at all trying to get mentally healthy myself, while protecting myself from further hurt from my husband. They wont like what you are saying, but if you show genuine concern for them and let somebody else play the bad guy, you can keep your connection at the same time as setting a boundary. So then, you cannot hold someone accountable who will not be held accountable. How To Make A Narcissist Miserable - 13 Things To Do - Bonobology.com Although it was his decision, not mine, he recently said that he felt abandoned by me before he abandoned me. And we are the ones that love them most of all! 11) Since my son was going to eventually get my old car and your car was part of the bankruptcy and they were going to take it, I suggested that I buy a new car 10 month earlier than I needed too. 3) You wanted to clean up your credit and had a car repo on it. I understand why women with children with the narcissist stay with the NPD because of the children hoping things will change and get better, they have committed to marraige and family. Am I supposed to live a life of unhappiness till the kids graduate and pray he doesnt completely f*** them up in the mean time? We have two terrific kids. You say your marriage cannot be annulled and your husband doesnt qualify for Divorce. Some of us need to consider that while we are suffering for days months and yrs..that our health is also suffering from stress. Only hi, goodnight and have a nice day. Well long story short, I have made the decision to end the relationship because I have finally realized that he has been using, abusing and manipulating me and it has nearly destroyed me. He is a man who keeps running away from commitments , he is traumatized . Its always something new to the list of bad things he does daily. I know that something good will come out of this for everyone. What Renee wrote could have been written by me. Well, we choose USA because of the lesser age discrimination at the work place we are both over 50. Like you I dont want sex with him, but feel that to deny it too often is the same thing as withholding my love. I wonder if the women he is having affairs with are married? Do what you can do and stop worrying about the rest, above all stop blaming yourself ! I suppose that I feel that Ive lived the giving mantra for long enough to build up some trust with him, and that now it is time to add some amount of holding him accountable. . I knew him for 6 years. Thank you for giving me the hope that you do give Kim it is so refreshing!!! How Do You Hold A Narcissist Accountable? I was disappointed however, and stuck in my own issues, feeling like I gave and gave and wasnt getting much in the last couple of months we were living together. He feels no guult and does dent his bisexual lifesyle. I have never loved nor despised a man as much as my n I was told that Your friends have told me you have drinking issues and you are not in control and Im worried about you This was said in a romantic restaurant in central London so Sandy stormed out and ran away.. (storm no 1) Then I was told that Im not conforming and I should accept him for who he is and was immediately slighted for not complying to his needs Storm no 2 On this one he persuaded me into the car and verbally abused me for an hour whilst locking me into the car Ive had telephone calls at the middle of the night for 3 hours with him trying to explain his point of view because I just dont get it Its a sad thing being codependent but Im now aware of my upbringing and why I always look for men to approve me. Im hurting and I dont know what to do. I have returned to college studying the medical field, I am on the honour role which opens my eyes to the fact that I am not dumb and stupid like he drummed into my head for so many years. I wonder who else knows? These times are probably gone forever. Thanks Kim I understand you dont have alot of info to work with. He calls it the 4 Ds of financial abuse: Debt: Every discussion about finances - no matter how mundane - becomes triggering and turns into a panic attack. Avoid challenging a narcissist's opinion or point of view. My husband seems to be addicted to stimulation, attention, and acceptance to say the least. We have been together 13 years, and it was only just in the last few that Ive identified him as a narcissist for what that truly means. So that is something that should raise a warning flag in their mind, if for no other reason than to cover their own butt. Hi Paula, You story is a great lesson for why it is so important when you are with someone like this that you stay on familiar ground and not get yourself isolated. He claims to have been to the counselor we saw together and that he knows he did all that to me because he hated himself before and has learned to now love himself. How does one stay true themselves, their daughter and the man they love, while N is determined to destroy the love of a family he so wanted and created, without hurting everyone, and still finding a way to mend what is so very broken? In the meantime you need better security on your house so he cannot break in. By respecting my emotional, mental, physical health, financials, relationships with others, mature consequence based choices..it became very easy to see, that at no point, was tolerating this persons selfish, cruel, abusive, irresponsible and dangerous bullsh*t, a correct choice in any way shape or form. We have been married for 29 years 8 of which he spent living with someone else. Just because I slip up once, or multiple times, does not mean that I am required to continue the permissive, unhealthy behavior. You laid the facts straight out down the line without a hint of self-pity or confusion about your rights as an individual, or as a mother. Say nothing let him think he right since he is gonna thinks he is right anyway. But over the years, I got exhausted. But also confusing if you want to find a way forward through this. It is important to not fulfill any of their requests unless they reciprocate the energy. Now we have to devide property, of course I dont deserve anything, I didnt do as I was told, had too much to say for myself, turned everyone against him and so it goes on and on. Everything is for him. You are right when you say talking does no good. He makes real good money but tells me he works his ass off for me because I quit my job and hurt us. If you want to hold a narcissist accountable, you need to challenge the deception. That doesnt mean you need to give in to their bad behaviour; instead of trying to hold them accountable (which wont work anyway), consider making them face the consequences of their mistakes. ), unless some woman forces him to that isbut think I need to for myself. This is why they move on so easily. Its very interesting to hear the different experiences people have had. These as with all of Kim and Steves materials and information are interchangeable for whatever the situation you are in, including with your daughter. I was shocked. This meant I would not be able to see you for several days after you got back after you being gone for a year. Surviving a Narcissistic Partner: Should You Stay Or Should You Go? I am 38 years old (never married, but have 1 child) and in love with a man for the past 4 years. I have a beautiful six month old son to a man I love and care for who suffers from NPD. Take good care. I still cant bring myself to hate her, because I understand how her having this problem is probably not her own doing but that of her parent/s.. He goes overboard with some of this stuff. 9. It is very enlightening. Its a hard life, but for me, Ive put down the sword, and have decided to find the believers in me; not the leaders or followers that are only destined to intercept my inalienable rights to exist. 6) You gifted me a pair of boots and then pawned them without telling me, when you needed money. When I remind him of the promise he made, he says he wont be guilted into keeping that promise. The first time my son met him he said that man is bipolar and several other people said that about him. But my brain knows that this is most likely the beginning of another cycle of hell, though my heart longs for it to be real. The child will be treated like an . Trying to Make the Narcissist Accountable is Keeping You Hooked. Admittedly, at times, the narcissist finds it hard control his rage. Nothing seems a to be my partners fault, other people are always to blame . In some places in the world this is not possible however and the victim becomes further victimized by the system. But I still miss him so am venerable and just hope I get stronger. He says what happened to you? It took me awhile to recover but the next time he begin, I immediately put him in his place and each time he tried to come out, I put him in his place again. DA, the first step to heal yourself is quickly find people who love you and will affirm you. I wonder if there are any young men out there who have made a relationship work with a NPD young lady I feel with love and support from friends and family there must be a chance, I would appreciate any advice like most people who deal with this personality type as a mother I have been to hell and back, as well as most advice saying basically its my fault shes like this. With regards to your response #31, to Renee. How to hold a Narcissist accountable.Holding a Narcissist This was my effort at not throwing in the towel b/c i just dont believe all Narcs are useless to society. The only thing thats good about these types, is getting rid of them, knowing throughout their life, everyone else will dispise them too, sooner or later. This is painful stuff to deal with emotionally, spiritually and financially. Life got really calm, respectful and enjoyable. He even said I love you so muchwhat? When you've finally had enough of their antics and hold a narcissist accountable for their actions, they will fly into a rage to make you back off and distract from your accusations. Living with individuals with NPD means accepting the facts of 1) being the only adult in the relationship and 2) giving empathy and recieving empathy. Do these people actually know what they are doing? Thanks Kim and Steve for all your work and make sure you do the exercises in The Love Safety Work Book :0). I kept thinking I was going crazy. This keeps the people that are suing him, unable to take his business.Im scared to death to put my name on a business that he has any control over! They Want to Get Noticed Together. I have just learned in the past few months about these disorders. Pay attention to what your partner does more than what he or . Hi Kim, thanks for the response. Perhaps hes just a mild case. If they are not, it shatters their false sense of self-worth. Democracy creates this slavery in our society, and we call it progress. I dont trust home to not jack this up too! Do you think thats possible? yes he already was in contact with another woman whilst I still was with him, he was on dating sites and I have learned; to him I was nothing but a narcissistic extension. The other problem we first had was that he thought that i was there to be angry at if he was upset about anything (even if it had nothing to do with me) I explained him immediately that i was not there for that reason. I dont know how I managed to get out . Let him ignore you, set your boundry and just walk off. I did giveand giveand do and do People-Pleasing. This is why we highlight the need for action. 7 Ways To Effectively Engage With Narcissists - 21Ninety But my heart knows that I will never be able to count on him to be there for me unless it suits him and his own needs at the time. NPD is a very child-like personality disorder, so it would behoove us to learn some child therapy techniques if were going to love and live with a Narcissist. I have a beautiful daughter which is not his, but whom he has been in her life for more than half her life. Frequently they resort to name calling and belittling to assert dominance over the other person. 16) You continuously ask me for more money and then act like you are doing me a favor by paying it back in monthly payments. I wanted to share that last fall, I called the police to report that my husband was drinking and driving. 2. I have worked hard the last two years, but short of losing my own identity to stay in the marriage I needed to rescue me and build a new life. He resented me for ever requesting counseling or that I expected him to continue to keep his word. Hi Julie, The response you mention is very common and this is why in the Love Safety Net Workbook we outline 4 areas with exercises that need to be worked on together. Sometimes you just have to say enough is enough and let them go. The letter should be very matter of fact and unemotional and only stress your concern about him. And yet she believes there is nothing wrong with her and still blames me for causing her behaviour. He has his own rules that no one else knows about. Hey Welcome Cheryl and good job surviving the hell you were raised in, it is tough when we end up having to parent ourselves. Apologies, crying baby, spelling mistakes and unfinished sentences above. For myself and my family, I divorced in 1983 without ever understanding about NPD. It will teach you step by step how to stop him turning this around on you. But how can I do it . Im here to look for tools, connect with people with common problems, AND offer my unique story as well. And i said to him (with tears but very cool): Do not ever do that again. I assure you that separating bank accounts will work to stop that. Narcissists view themselves with a "higher than thou" attitude, where they believe they are more special and deserving of things than others. He does not respect anyone.. Year and half ago, started hearing voices, making outrageous claims, obsessed over me, needed wanted me, if I didnt give him attention it would be horrible on me. They will say that you are the angry one and that you need help,and walk away full of selfrighteousness. Non sexual but emotional. Dependency: You feel out of control and rely on the narcissist (often unwillingly . I will be fine. Further if you are married to someone who is spending your money on gambling, an affair etc. I just need to decide. Hi Marje and welcome to our site, Write down what first triggered you getting angry and then go and do something to cheer yourself up and forget about him for awhile. Hi Kim and Steve, (2) Damaged my car I have been scared of him & Several times I have ran to my car, locking the doors to get away from him& when I refuse to leave safety of my car, he threatens to damage my car if I dont get out of it, which has resulted in: door Handel ripped off, entire windshield wiper broken off, Three big dents in my door, cracked windshield and him keying my car. : ) Stay strong my friends. I also wonder why you have chosen to avoid his affection in the past? MARIE, I was!!! The reality is they are not kings nor queens. And you have a right to your own views and feelings. My husband appears to have pretty strong values, actually, around sexual behavior ie I dont expect that hed easily cheat. 2. His needs, concerns, and issues are everything. This search engine reveals so much more. The story above contains the prescription for striking fear in a narcissist by holding up the shining mirror of truth. Take care I thank you Kim for all of your words and information. Im not proud of it, but wanted to post in case this might resonate with others out there After truly saying goodbye the hero role, Narcissists dont hold the same interest anymore. Type in your name, wait 107 seconds, brace yourself. It is very important if a partner of someone with NPD decides to leave that they already have a very good plan and have already established effective strategies to de escalate and manage the conflict. So frustrated in my 24 years of marriage! To shut down a narcissist, you have to be more prepared than . So playing with children and being a hero to them, feels safe, because children dont judge. He had to pay several fines and now faces jail. He was an illusion all along. If i was a cheating, lying, deceitful, manipulative, coniving snake.. i doubt id ever want to take a good look at myself. My husband is unbelievablely brilliant, cuniving, manipulative, and charming. Having spent New Year in a pub on my own I slowly discovered that I need to find out who the hell I am and not accept men to approve what I do I became very insecure with a lot of things that were to follow The silencing that he gave me was unbearable and I slowly realized that I am not to bear my feelings and accept being played to fit his fantasies Months went by and a year into our relationship I started to feel that I was feeling more depressed and felt very insecure about a lot of things that I started to think about suicide as an escape from my reality. Think of it like this you can choose to feed . Ana. Everything is always my fault, and he never takes responsibility for hurtful actions. Get strong. Nothing will convince them or change them. Just one question: How to set a boundary if someone is flirtatious in general but you dont know how far this goes? Actions speak louder than words (-: However, I found that by justing leaving the situation, he was finally able to see it on his own, after life gave him hard knocks which took him off his pedestal and he realized ON HIS OWN when the same thing was done to him by another, how wrong his behavior was. It is so hard to read his a apologies and statements of ownership and progress. We are about to meet up this Saturday night after not seeing each other for 3 weeks.. Thank GOD I didnt marry himhe had said he would probably never marry me anywayand more and more, Ive discovered that he did me a huge favor that way. Hang in there Amy and you be careful to follow the steps in Back from the Looking Glass about leaving because it really can escalate the abuse. It is good you can see you need some help too (-: Our 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence is a great place to start! And even more so, that he couldnt help me to get over it in any way, just in the contrary, he tried (and still tries) to belittle my concerns and even stir them up again and again to lower his own bad feelings about it. You had just gotten your tax return, which was plenty to cover the debt but when I asked you why you didnt use that, you said because you wanted to have money in the bank. I fell in love with what I thought it was a good sense of self, while I was searching for mine. so weve come to a better situation, but there is still alot to do. My logical, intelligent brain struggles with this, no matter how much my heart is drawn to him. How to hold a Narcissist accountable.Holding a Narcissist One clear warning of what will result if their behaviour continues and then action. Its hard to give up on a man who has saved you in waysand who you know deep down, he is a good manbut his fear keeps him from being able to create real intimacy, and build on a relationship based on trust and honesty. Thank you. Where are you now? So I became the breadwinner but still worked from home where I could monitor and also protect him. All the idiots get tossed out quick, and NO i dont care about their opinion, and all the good solid people started coming into my life. Hi Michelle, Please contact the help desk on our site (go to http://www.narcissismcured.com and look for a link) or respond to the one of my emails if you are on my list and someone will help you get the books you need. [10 Facts] Why Do Narcissists Cry? | Unmasking the Narc

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