why do i feel responsible for my family's happiness

3. As I teach in Step 4 of my bookJudgment Detox: The most loving thing we can do for someone is to accept them. My SuperSoul Sessions Talk: The 5 Steps to Spiritual Surrender, Blogs Subscribe to Wild Arisings, twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas that will help you connect with and live from your truest self. The other you simply cannot. I just can't do it anymore. Q&A: Wife feels responsible for husband's happiness To make progress, I've used what I call the STOP process. So, you cannot be responsible for everyone and everything. Find me on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram, and Pinterest. How to Stop the Misery: Notice your own belief system about change. Being responsible brings us many benefits. She felt a responsibility to make sure her friend was okay. Do you need to separate psychologically from your parents? My husband is very social and we have a big group of friends. 2010 - 2021 Sandra Pawula. Site last updated March 4, 2023, Stressed, Anxious When Things Are Good? They themselves have to work at it. spirituality. Sometimes when we accept someone for who they are, all we can do is accept them and move on from our relationship with them. The idea is to use the letters in STOP to remind you how to STOP your own self-caused suffering: S = See what you are doing to yourself. Just recognizing that you are hurting yourself is a big step forward. This dynamic keeps the relationship poorly differentiated. Their pain is their pain, and your pain is your pain. Each person is responsible for his/her inner contentment and happiness. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. I know one who takes her to appts but doesn't enjoy it. Children who are victims of abusive parents, for instance, often believe that if only they had done x, y, or z, their family would have been just fine. He's had the shit end of the stick, lost his mum, dad and brother within a few years, was abused by his sister . If someone wants to change and asks for your help, you can show up and offer support. You are responsible for only your happiness. And so the cycle goes. Again, just notice thoughts to become more attuned to them. You deserve to continue building a dynamic life with your husband and friends, and to develop your career. And you don't have to try a bunch of stuff at once if it makes you uncomfortable! | Shifting your thoughts and actions reduces anxiety. She needs to go to the roots of her unhappiness and change her thinking. It can help you achieve your goals and objectives in any area of your life. I hope the book is helpful. Its so cold in here. I wish he would understand how much I need some time alone right now.. Keep an open mind. Start tuning into your actions. Self-talk like this makes you think you have to be perfect instead of the fallible human being that you arethat we all are. I'm a senior care specialist trained to match you with the care option that is best for you. You are defining a co-dependent relationship here 100%. I have zero control over his responses or mental health. Could you STOP right now? If you would like to soften (or change) this core belief, share this article with your loved one, so you have a common language and understanding, and set a time to have a mindful, calm talk. So now let us examine the different steps you can take to soften the symbiotic reactivity of your intimate relationships and allow your partner to share their aching openly. How to Stop the Misery: Instead of comparing your situation to that of others, make your own life as good as possible. She is not going to change this while this stays true. Her tongue, unfortunately, is still as sharp as a razor and the ugliest thing I've ever had the displeasure to witness. It's never the responsibility of someone else. PostedAugust 22, 2019 Responsibility allows you to create principles, morals and helps you to lead your life. When you embrace interdependence, youll be able to live from a place of peace and acceptance. featured It absolutely is possible to break this cycle later in life. But you can learn to stop any misery you might be inflicting on yourself. Hi Aimee, Recall any times you took responsibility for what yourereallynot responsible for and consider how it impacted you. Anything that happens occurs as a result of many interlocking causes and conditions, over which you only have partial control. This does of course not help him nor me. While humans make themselves suffer in many ways, here are 10 common sources of self-caused suffering, which I've dubbed "Misery-Makers," along with 10 suggestions for stopping: Misery-Maker 1: Inventing and dwelling upon painful inner dramas that have little or no basis in fact. While you cant fix someone else or be responsible for their happiness, heres what you can do. Mom wants her room to be over 80 degrees most of the time. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! We simply cannot be responsible for another's happiness. But you are not the answer - with her personality and outlook on life, you could not make her happy so no point in futile trying. I am hopefully starting a group therapy process soon, but would like to find something to support me along the way. Is it? I don't want to take care of my mother anymore but I don't want to put her in a home. It can sometimes be easier to start with behaviors/actions. What I wonder is if you know of any literature I could read to support me in making the small incremental changes you mention above? Thank you for a great article. Its the same for everyone else too. You may feel responsible for other people's happiness and/or health. In the last year I have had many an some very serious reasons to worry about an try to help family members. Why do I feel responsible for other people's happiness? - Quora Skip to the front of the line by calling (888) 848-5724. I just need a few things to get you going. Tell her it is for her blood pressure, because it will help that too. She had nine children, didn't want them to be friends with each other or have outside friends, infantilized her adult children and held grudges against them for their whole lives concerning events from their adolescence. It's a great pleasure and happiness to feel their support, even if they are not near me. You can create an exercise program. My mom will call me and say "Are you out with your FRIENDS? Youll feel immediate relief. I help deep thinking, heart-centered people find greater ease emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. How to Stop the Misery: Change it and you language to I language. Her work can be found on Role Reboot, Alternet, and on her blog: Two Parts Smart-Ass; One Part Wisdom. In highly over-simplified soundbites, the Four Noble Truths can be summarized as follows: How might you possibly be harming yourself? Draw a large circle on a piece of paper to represent something you feel is your responsibility and that you feel guilty about. Its hard not feeling guilty when your mom makes you feel like a bad daughter for not including her in everything. These are opportunities to pivot, to hit our knees and fully surrender. When youre experiencing beautiful shifts and miracles, you often want to help others. You can pray for them to have it be gentle when they hit bottom, and for them to receive very clear direction when it happens. You could try small experiments. sidebar Sometimes sharing the pain in this new, differentiated way, which is not a jab or an attack in the heat of a fight, can still lead to a certain distance, coldness, or even a rupture. Misery-Maker 9: Falling for the belief that you cant change. I am trying to 'fix' my partner in an uncomfortable way, and when he is unhappy or down, I take it all personally, as if it is a reflection on me. Your responses assure me that it's OK to be happy and leave the dark cloud to hang out in the air alone while I do so. I felt responsible for my mother's happiness - grieving from loss - QVC Often, we believe that if we cater to what everyone wants, theyll be happy and we can avoid unpleasant conflict. Who's Responsible for Your Happiness? | Psychology Today Their only income is SS and it goes to Medicaid. Get an easy-to-understand breakdown of services and fees. Schnarch, D. M. (2012). Such a process helps couples cut the symbiotic umbilical cord between them and dare to share their pain honestly, with no avoidance or censorship, and even without the need to solve or protect their spouse. Yes, you can help mom find resources, but that is it. You have to keep strong and use this site to know that you are making boundaries and getting healthier for yourself. Sometimes I believe that all parents do things for their. Am I just completely misunderstanding? Use a little bit of his empty shelf space for a few of your things, finish the show you're watching when he comes in the room, etc. You may be causing some of your suffering. What we need are patient, loving witnesses. It's natural to want happiness for your loved ones and hate to see them suffer. Would I benefit from changing? Then make a plan and tinker with it until you can get it to work. Examples: I must be a dumb person to have made that mistake. I guess Ill never do anything right. Im such a moron!. I'm matching you with one of our specialists who will be calling you in the next few minutes. I am now having anxiety attacks worrying about them an trying to figure out how to help them. Letting go of over-responsibility will bring relief, acceptance and peace into your life. Just let them meet themselves. You need to understand what you have power over and what you don't. You don't have the power to make your husband choose the right attitude, behavior, words. Sure, you can provide support and reassurance, but you can't take away the aging process. The child thinks, "If I can make my parents happy, I'll be happy as well and all will be peachy." Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Lynn Beisner writes about family, social justice issues, and the craziness of daily life. You can call 911 next time she threatens suicide and say she is a danger to herself and potentially others. I've personally wallowed in every one of the 10 Misery-Makers at some point in my life. Your 2.5-year-old wants a particular sippy . Gillihan, Seth: "Do People Really Change?". (he's in a pretty dark place right now, I'm employed, he's not). Only stick around and engage with her when she's being nice to you. I'm taking care of both my parents 24/7. you need to start living your OWN life too! Feeling as though we have sole responsibility for others happiness causes anxiety. This question has been closed for answers. Its also an indicator of the way our moods can constantly be swinging up and down as externals change. It Provides Me with Support. It really is on her to change - if you try to pacify her, it would be very temporary and would enable her to put off making the kind of changes that would really help. I was finally able to BREATHE. Misery-Maker 6: Creating suffering through bad habits and addictions. You were NEVER responsible for your mom's happiness (or lack thereof). AgingCare.com does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment; or legal, or financial or any other professional services advice. I'm matching you with one of our specialists who will be calling you in the next few minutes. I can help you compare costs & services for FREE! Get personalized guidance from a dedicated local advisor. Examples: There was a fiery crash on the interstate. And so, some of us feel were responsible for everything, a pattern that was likely embedded in your brain and heart as a vulnerable child. It sounds like you've been through a lot starting when you were very young and carrying that into adulthood. Remind them just to listen and let it land in their body. Or books on this topic specifically? You feel youre responsible for your parents marital conflicts. Youre not to blame for everything, but you are responsible for yourself. A Course in Miracles teaches that spirit accepts and the ego analyzes. I took responsibility for everyone and everything for the better part of my lifeto my own detriment. Misery-Maker 10: Thinking that you have to do it all yourself. One of the practices is a beautiful prayer that will help you release the desire to fix someone or be responsible for their happiness. Are you causing your own suffering? Stop feeling guilty about feeling good | by E.B. Johnson - Medium Pray, pray for forgiveness and enter My Father's Kingdom in glory where you, and your loved ones, will be welcomed into the Light of Pure Love. There is no reason for you to feel guilty. My parents followed me all around the country until my ex got a job offer in NYC..that's when they moved to FL since they couldn't afford to live back East. My wife might have been in that. Please check your inbox and confirm your subscription. The only person you can truly change is yourself and how you deal with the abuse they dish out. My husband has taken this thought process to the extreme, or at least it feels that way. 7 Subtle Signs Your Happiness Is Too Reliant On Your Partner - Bustle I am their POA. People with emotional instability who were in therapy benefited the most, increasing their ability to handle stressors and reduce inner turmoil. Tanya is a Diplomate of the American Institution of Stress helping to educate others about stress and provide useful tools for handling it well in order to live a healthy and vibrant life. My life is more than busy and full. Sometimes it's easier to blame yourself for a problem than to accept that the situation was never within your control. I made a life here and have a full life with many friends. Everything you need to stay Feeling responsible for others' happiness is a complex relationship of interrelated thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. My 21-Day Meditation Challenge can help you feel calm, connected and more in touch with your inner voice of wisdom. Every one of us has experienced turning points in our lives. When they do, get up and get out. He offers online individual, couple, and family therapy. The minute a . Some people maintain a basic core belief (click here for a short video explaining about core beliefs) that if our partner feels pain, it is our responsibility or fault, and we must fix them, cheer them up, give them a hug, protect them, and so on. Does this belief govern your life and well-being as well? 11 views, 0 likes, 0 loves, 1 comments, 0 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Jumpstart Coaching Lab: Want to know the difference between success or failure as a financial professional? I am the original poster and I would like to thank everyone for responding. How many people participated in bringing it to you? Getting to know her personally has been inspiring. Here's How to Recover and Repair, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up. As a result, you may constantly obsess over another person's circumstances and wellbeing. I feel guilty when I set boundaries and try to live my best life. Her (and my dad's) misery is always running in the back of my mind. You feel mortified when something goes wrong at work, even when its a team effort. Your mother is clinging onto her best option, irrespective of the fact that it is crushing you. AgingCare.com connects families who are caring for aging parents, spouses, or other elderly loved ones with the information and support they need to make informed caregiving decisions. Mental health is not hard . I'm stuck, probably for many, many years into the future. You dont need to feel guilty about a single one. You feel to blame if your child goes off in a bad way. We do everything we can think of to make sure others are happy. Of course, any kind of thought can arise in the mind, especially since youve been riding the same thought-trains for a long time. People to sit quietly and hold space for us. Once youve noticed your anxious thoughts, question them. Ask yourself: Would I like to change? I should be able to handle this. There is a book that is broader than this specific topic but has wisdom that applies to taking responsibility for others' happiness. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. But almost all of us take responsibility for more than our part, though it may appear on a subtle or subconscious level: Thats a sign that we think we alone are responsible. Dad proceeded to go downhill, falling & breaking his hip in 2014. How to Honor Your Feelings. We come to fear the imagined consequences of this, and we increase our fear and worry with an. trustworthy health information: verify She led a study about . Parents: You Are Not Responsible For Your Child's Happiness A walk, meditate, paint your nailssomething. He pointed out that I shut off the TV when he comes in, (he hates TV, I love it) I don't change the music I'm listening to when he comes in and I won't even use the shelves he's cleared off as storage for me, instead I pay a storage facility. The more you repeat a new behavior, the more habitual it will become. There should be. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? As far as the 'suicide threat' goes, it's bs, you know that. Shes really struggling. Is it? Attract everything you want with my most impactful meditations. Rich people in idillic enviable lives can be depressed, as proven by the not too unusual celebrity overdose or suicide. You've got great insight and motivation -- two of the most important ingredients for making positive changes. Notice what seems to be good for your personal growth. Mingyur Rinpoche, "How to Train Your Monkey Mind." Reviewed by Abigail Fagan. Unless you are writing a novel or a screenplay, using your imagination to spin tales that are outrageous, hurtful, or even horrifying can be harmful to your sanity and peace of mind. The Burden: Feeling Responsible For Everyone - InnerSelf.com So don't rob your partner of a chance to grow! This is something that has been on my mind lately as Ive seen new readers discover my bookJudgment Detoxand begin to lovingly witness their own judgment and heal it. You dont want to deprive somebody of their bottom. Nope. If you don't "play" she'll have to quit her negative behavior to get what she needs from you. Well, fast-forward a decade and dad ends up with dementia and now is in a care home. Best wishes! People to stand in helpless vigil to our pain.Glennon Doyle. O = Brainstorm your Options and choose one to try.. How to Stop the Misery: Notice when you blame yourself. Now I feel those shackles back on me. Such avoidance is detrimental because it lowers the authenticity, intimacy, and vulnerability of the relationship. But the truth is we cant control everything. Your best interests are not top of her priority list! Science and Behavior Books. Do you really believe youre in charge and that your worry can change anything? You may present yourself in one way when you actually feel a different way underneath. After a few years they began having a lot of arguments and I ended up getting pulled into the drama as a marriage counselor of sorts, trying to keep the peace. The other person will receive your shift in energy and feel released by you. Many of life's difficulties are out of your control. 5. A like-minded woman who empowers . For example, no one can make you mad. You can control your inner response to events much of the time. As a result I've always been a little extra "sensitive" to people's moods, and behaviors. Over time, a sense of freedom will arise in the relationship, and you will feel freer to share what you feel. May you be happy, well, and safe always. Just remember that many different factors came into play for that moment to arise, even the fact that your parents acted on their affinity for one another and gave you your life. You can watch the original video I recorded below, and keep reading for a breakdown of what I teach in it (plus new lessons). Mom wants her room to be over 80 degrees most of the time. How long can you go on feeling like you're responsible for their happiness (when you give up your own)? How to stop the misery: Instead of putting yourself down for your mistakes and failures, make the conscious decision to grow from them. You feel its your fault when other people feel bad. What do I need to do now? But being uncaring is being selfish. You cant control the weather, the genes you were born with, diseases that have no cure, or the fact that you are getting older. It means you allow them to be where they are and you dont try to change them. Others arent always happy because thats just the way life is. In reply to I was abused by my mother. Your family members are lucky to have you. How to stop the misery: When your fantasies threaten to ruin your emotional health, neutralize them by murmuring these words: Just thoughts. Realizing that your fantasies are not realities will help you separate from them, as if standing to one side. Another lives miles away but calls her every few days because she knows the friend is lonely and feels sorry for her. You don't have to people-please and experience anxiety in order to care about your family. From a selfish perspective, it's awfully difficult to remain happy when those around us are not. Tweet: Theres a difference between loving and supporting someone and trying to fix their problems. Curious? The relationship becomes toxic and we become sick from breathing in the fumes everyday. I blog here. You couldnt survive a day if it werent for the kindness of others. But we forget interdependence or weve never heard of it to begin with. https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/mental-illness-overview/how-to-find-mental-health and https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-refer. You can release the need to be responsible for another persons happiness. I help deep thinking, heart-centered spirits find greater ease emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Where does it come from? Use compassion to tame your inner critic and remind yourself that its okay to have these emotions. She seems to like it best when all of my waking hours are focused on my "to-do" list. spirituality, Blogs How do I know, you ask? Consider the glass of water you drink first thing in the morning. I've always been a people-pleaser, the mediator, the one in the room who tries to see it from the fringe perspective. Validating an emotion doesn't mean that you agree with the other . She micromanaged their lives and even the lives of daughters-in-law, prescribing how many minutes they could go out driving. What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving? Codependency For Dummies. Parents establish those feelings of safety by practicing deep listening and unconditional love. In closing, I offer this rephrasing: To each his own pain.. Mom has reached the denial stage regarding everyday dumb stuff. You're Not Responsible For Your Children's Happiness - Our Small Hours When you change your thoughts and feelings about another person, you change your energy toward them. No, you are not misunderstanding this! Eventually, they turn on you and make your life miserable, even cut it short. Healthy relationships depend on mutuality, and our life quality is much influenced by others. here. I'm a senior care specialist trained to match you with the care option that is best for you. How much time did it waste away? Mom has reached the denial stage regarding everyday dumb stuff. However the converse is important. 3 steps to follow when you want to fix other people's problems When you feel the urge to be the fixer, follow the three steps I outline below. We may know that life is better, easier, and less lonely when we were with each other, except when it isn't. At those times, it is tempting to assume . I wasn't real happy about that but my parents were cool and independent. Its taken me years to understand why I feel such a guilt and responsibility towards my parents. Again, huge thanks for taking the time to reply to this question and for your caring response. Have faith in other peoples guidance systems. Don't even think about either outcome. Dad is now in memory care and mom leans on me too much for emotional support. Responsibility pie chart. At first, all you have to do is notice and increase your awareness. If they start getting reactive, defensive, or aggressive, take a breath and/or break. health Listen for real-time coaching, straight talk and big love! Shell38314, Awesome advice, and thank you so much! It is true that we do need to be responsible for the portion of our happiness within our control but we also need to realize that we all affect each other's happiness and we are responsible for that. Are they realistic? By studying actual data on happiness, I found out that these are the biggest factors responsible for my happiness: Love Exercising Relaxing Career Friends Family Sleep Hobbies Traveling Health This article will show you exactly why and how I've determined these factors as the biggest influence on my happiness. Children who. I learned this a long time ago. Behind their backs it's another story entirely. Or look at a situation that caused you to worry or feel anxious for another person. (A clue that youre doing this is neglecting your own needs and desires.) How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, The Innate Intelligence Observed in the Dying Process, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness, Not Listening? Misery-Maker 2: Judging yourself in a harsh way. You Are Not Responsible for Your Partner's Feelings The Book of Truth/ Message # 17: the Great Warning - a Gift Out of What would I do if she died? The way he reacted to me yesterday must mean that he doesnt really love me, despite what he says. If my boss fires me, Ill never be able to find another job and will end my life in dire poverty.. Accepting others where they are and forgiving them doesnt mean that you let someone walk all over you. It is such a common pattern of thinking, feeling, and doing, and you're right - it causes problems. As common as this is, there isn't a lot of literature dedicated specifically to this topic. She also felt inadequate because she couldnt solve her friends problems. There is a lot of suffering in life. Take a deep breath and focus in on actions and activities that will improve your life. Answer: Dear Bewildered, I suggest you both read the Boundaries book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Moving myself is not an option and she's threatened suicide if I try to move her to a senior apartment or anywhere at all. Why cant I? Everyone else seems just fine but me.. spirituality, Gut Health: My Experience with SIBO, Gut Inflammation, GERD and Stress, Blogs I just need a few things to get you going. If you want someone to understand you, speak up. You're chosen a solid resource when it comes to CBT and working with a therapist can do wonders. We were married for 18 years, together 25 but he was very depressive, quite angry sometimes and I got fed up walking on eggshells. True, in some situations, like in your work life, you may often need to play a role to get by. 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