Steven Quincy "Steve" Urkel: [Unstraps his gloves] Sir, not only have you harrassed and insulted me, but you have sullied the reputation of my lady love. Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: This diary belongs to Harriette and I will not violate her privacy. Harriette, THERE IS A CAR IN THE LIVING ROOM! Willie Fuffner: But he wasn't, so chill out ok. Laura Lee Winslow: You just don't get it, do you. Steve Urkel: L-long enough to get i-icicles on my nose hair Look! Steve Urkel: I've taken a vow of chastity. I"m going to the mall to hand out gifts to orphans kids. Laura Lee Winslow: [enters the room] All right, Curtis. Harriette Winslow: No, Carl let's call it what it really is, Cheap and Lazy. Then instead of admitting it, you let us spread a log in Lake Michigan. Would you reward me with a kiss? Laura Lee Winslow: Does shag carpet also make you crazy? [laughs]. Stefan Urkelle: Where did you learn all that? And if you call me names, do I not eat? Steve Urkel: Oh, positive. steve urkel pick up linesaiken county sc register of deeds steve urkel pick up lines Steve Urkel: Oh, Laura, my love. Laura: [as Steve and Laura walk in, the guests gasp again] Steve, everyone gasped. Steve Urkel: The woman's been flirting with me. Needless to say she's not amused as he jumps on there]. Boyd broke my glasses. I can teach you how to cook. Carl Otis Winslow: There was an E.Coli scale in the chocolate and I tasted a few to make sure the box was safe. Laura: For the last time, Steve. It was the most terrifying five minutes of my life, second only to watching Lord of the Dance! Dr. Goodrich: Ms. Crawford, I am a medical doctor, not a carnival act! Your eyes are like the ocean; I could swim in them all day. Ms. Steuben: Well, I guess he's changed a little. Willie Fuffner: I'm gonna trash Urkel's locker! Carl enters her room with Eddie, who is struggling to stifle his laughter.]. Carl Otis Winslow: You know you were rude to that guy, Harriette. Carl Otis Winslow: Two stalks of broccoli and three pieces of asparagus? Steve could've been killed. You're acting like animals! Well, that's gonna stop right now! Did I do that? Remember you wished that Steve could find out what's it like to be you. Rachel Crawford: Good. Steve Urkel: [after discovering that the stereo in Eddie's car has had its serial number scratched off] Uh-uh. Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Yes, those were very confusing times. Rachel Crawford: Well at least we know where it is. Steve Urkel: Uh-oh. He doesn't have the advantages to see how good the cops are like our kids have. Why are you guys dressed like that? Laura: Wait a second. I'll teach you. I don't know what to say. You're late for class. I only got the date wrong on one flyer. Stefan Urkelle: Well, it could be a few days, or weeks, or [Steve voice] any minute now! Steve Urkel: Oh, no buts! You mother once tried bean bags. Carl Otis Winslow: Harriette, that kid is bad news. Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Ok dad. Or are they just lame? Then he unfolds it] Well Tell me again. At a party, once, he clamped cables to his earlobes and jump-started a Volkswagen. Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Don't you worry, I'll work on him. Carl Otis Winslow: Well yeah. Harriette: Who cares? Steve Urkel: Why? That's not enough time for Rambo to blow anything up. Weel Good Lord man, she's an overnight success story. Eddie Winslow, front and center! Sara Sue Pettyjohn: [stuck up toward Myrtle's lack of style and class] That's the difference between *old* money and *new* money. Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Fletcher has a bigger family then we thought. Carl Otis Winslow: No. Steve Urkel: [singing] Fishing on Lake Wannamuk. Harriette: Soon, baby. Steve Urkel: No, it's not okay! [laughs] Bye! Laura: Let me tell you something. Harriette Winslow: Carl, calm down, it's not the school's fault. Steve Urkel: Oh, nothing. Look I clued everybody in. Weasel: [Eddie leaves and Weasel gets hit by Waldo] What was that for? No phones. How much will that cost me? Eddie: I'm the one who's taking the test. Steve Urkel Had Some COLD lines for Laura and we all aint peep it Follow N Subscribe https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLt1bradMOW81OkAFlIZvfw/subscriberhttps. "I have a pen, you have a phone number. Harriette Winslow: Are your parents happy with the new you? Steven Quincy Urkel: Oh, put a cork in it, Missy! Steve Urkel: Hi Harriette, hi Laura, hi Harriette, hi Laura, hi Harriette, oh look, it's Laura! What do you use to get weighed, a postage scale? this is when Urkel was the funniest, when he was youngest, seasons 1 & 2. That's Lt. Murtaugh. [Harriette laughs as Laura leaves the living room to help Mother Winslow get ready]. I'm Stefan sweet thing. [Eddie leaves and Carl puts the chair away] Well that took care of everything. No Traffic. Harriette: Come on, sweetie, let's get you home and then I can put some antiseptic on those cuts. Carl: I just had the worst day of my entire life. Steve looks at Laura], [At The Winslow home in the alternate world]. Waldo Geraldo Faldo: Oh don't worry they promised to come back tomorrow. I wanna play some of my own records on the jukebox, but I don't know how to put them in. Why that low-down-cheap-bunder-headed-mud-slinging-bush-wacking-slanderous-snake-in-a-skirt is blackmailing you! Weasel: [pulls out a lot of cash from his pockets] Look at this $1500 dead presidents and the homies are still coming in. These kids are gonna ruin everything, they have to go. He finished his Christmas shopping weeks ago and never asked me for a penny. Judy Winslow: Who wants to read about cheese? Oh, yes it is! Steve Urkel: [on the stage of the strip club] Stop the music! Carl Otis Winslow: Come on, Harriette! Rachel Crawford: Well, Steve, I am your boss. Steve Urkel: [Hanging on a ledge] I've fallen and I can't get up! Steve Urkel: [last lines of the series] Do I get a welcome home kiss? Wha? Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: March 10, Went to the market. Steve Urkel: Oh, I'm not joking. Waldo Faldo: Be careful he has another one. Robbins: Hey everyone, Laura Winslow's date is Steve Urkel. Am is a verb, verbs are our friends. Carl Otis Winslow: [fishing for the catch of a party Eddie wants to go to] Are his parents going to be there? Laura Lee Winslow: Yeah, but only for one month. Ken: You make me wanna puke! Cool. Steve Urkel: I've invented nuclear batteries. Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Cornelius Eugene Urkel, you have better find a good excuse to leave town soon. Waldo Geraldo Faldo: Well I for one am appalled. Carl Otis Winslow: [Gasps] Why of all the low down Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Calm down, Carl. It's a "non-date". I'm sorry, call you next week? Stefan Urkelle: It's not just a transformation chamber. Maxine Johnson: It happens every year the day of the prom. Laura: Steve, did you eat that moldy cheese? Steve Urkel: Practice. Laura: [running in] Guess what? Carl Otis Winslow: I recognized him right away. I didn't expect you to be in there and I feel like such a worm. On the way to the Sizzle Club, I took a little detour to the precinct. We're getting dirty looks from old people! You don't sleep, you don't have nightmares. Rachel Crawford: Can you make him quack like a duck every time the phone rings? I'll grab my stuff and I'll be out of here tomorrow. Steve Urkel: Your Honor, I would like to call Waldo Faldo! Steve Urkel: You know what, Laura? To rob and murder? Carl Otis Winslow: The guy who wrote The Three Musketeers? If you hit me, do I not sneeze? Carl Otis Winslow: You look horrible. Laura: Waldo, what's with Steve, he's acting wierd, even for him! Maxine: Ugh, what is this? We were just having a little fun. Didn't you? I wanna show you something. Edward 'Eddie' Winslow: Then how 'bout a nice juicy thigh? Carl: Rachel, you're putting entirely too much filling in those. Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Well, what are you waiting for? Now I know, I'm not worthy of you- but I love you more now then I did then- Laura Lee Winslow- will you marry me? Why, you teach us things about life! Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: [sympathetically] Eddie, Carl was just about your age when he lost his dad. Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Was I ever! Rachel Crawford: Right. 12. r/Unexpected. So I walked in the library, sugar, I couldn't believe my eyes, there were THOUSANDS of books just sitting there waiting to be read. The '90s series "Family Matters" may have been about the Chicago-based Winslow family, but the show's breakout character was actually Winslow neighbor Steve Urkel. Steve Urkel: [Talking to Eddie and his girlfriend] You heard her, you're all witnesses. Carl: Who are you and what have you done with our son? I want to know why my instructions were not followed. This is amazing! Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [Steve as Stefan] Steve? Steve Urkel: I've never tried out for athletics before and the equipment list says that every guy should wear a cup. Carl Otis Winslow: That's right, that petition was a great idea. Steve Urkel: Is there anything I can do for you while I'm down here waiting? From 1989 to 1998 (via IMDb ), White . So they picked up all out stuff and moved us again. Steve Urkel: Carl, I brought the notes to go over with Laura. Steve Urkel: Ready, my sweet? Carl Otis Winslow: Yeah, bring me a slice. Steve Urkel: Why, come back here, you little hussy! Harriette Winslow: [Rachel carries on about how sad it is Aunt Clotilda died] She was 94 years old. Once, I found them in Milwaukee living under an assumed name! Or was it yellow? It's Monday! During the class picture, you don't have to sit with the girls in the front row and hold up the class. Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Seymour Butts? Overall, Steve's good intentions trump his flaws and give the audience a plethora of laughs every time he comes onscreen and says, "Did I do that?" Without Steve Urkel, Family Matters would have been overlooked as just another TGIF Friday night comedy show. Richie Crawford: We're going to play with these toys for 30 days and return them, like Uncle Carl's going to do with his peanut helmet. Carl: There is a guy on our couch who says I remember him, but I don't remember him. Curtis Williams: Laura, great timing. I just caught her, that's all. Laura: [gasps] I'm sorry, I'm so sorry please forgive me. The only reason I asked you to be my partner was because I was worried about my grade. Judy Winslow: Boring. Harriette Winslow: [Opens the candy box] Candy missing. Steve Urkel: My "play-ground pass"? Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Carl, you lazy slug! Laura: That you'll never go into outer space again, Steve Urkel: Only when we kiss, Laura Lee, only when we kiss [they passionately kiss]. Waldo: Sure you have. Myra Monkhouse: I rearranged the chamber. Maybe abrasive is the wrong word. Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: All the way home, and the next day I cried all the way back to the library. Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Dad, when are we leaving? Steve Urkel: I have a lot of personal experience in first aid. So one day I decided to do something about it. Steve Urkel: No, well, actually it's my Uncle Ernie's hearse. I don't *ever* want to work for you again. I'll take this up later with the Lieutenant. It seems the guy that you purchased your stereo equipment from didn't want you to fill in any paper work. [Handing out] Menu, menu, menu, menu, menu. Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Laura, I kept this ring in hopes that one day you would accept it. Carl Otis Winslow: Edward Arthur Winslow, son I'm ashamed of you. Steve Urkel: Steve Urkel! Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: All right. Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Big Guy, what are you up? Eddie: No, Kyle's gone solo and Jerry went with him. Oh when he shows up, it's amputation time. I will not give you a lock of my hair. "Tomorrow, Dad!" Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: That's hotties, Steve. Rachel Crawford: Yeah do you want to be buried or cremated? I'll teach that. My mom's the one who really messed up. Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: What're you so happy about? Bushwhacker Luke: Me and me brother, we hate cops! When I was born when the doctor slapped me, I SHOT him! Ms. Steuben: That's that's not funny, Steven. Carl Otis Winslow: [packing up the camping gear] Boy that was great, a family weekend in the wilderness. Why she is woman, hear me roar. And instead of admitting to it, you got yourself involved in gambling. Judge Vance: All right, young man, call your first witness. Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: That stinks. Laura: She didn't need a hairstylist, she needs a fairy godmother! Steve Urkel: Well the good news is, my dad will do the operation for you. Laura: Not when the bomb is in the basement with you! Laura: [Curtis is about to break bad news to Laura] Curtis! If you have something to say, just spit it out. We only have to make one quick delivery. And, he's got something that he didn't have before. I wish I'd never done it. [Eddie groans as Carl walks in to brighten his mood], [Eddie leaves with Carl to hang out with him. Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: I feel so safe in Raoul's strong arms I love him soo much and I sorta like Carl. Carl Otis Winslow: Well sweetheart, if you feel that strongly about it, maybe you should do something about it. Can you carry me home? [Steve is eating frozen fish sticks out of the box]. Urkelbot: [Joe Friday Impression] Just the facts, ma'am. Waldo: Cheating it wrong, Eddie, and you should know that. Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Bright side? Carl Otis Winslow: Yes and that's not all. Me and the guys were going to have a flyer party next Saturday when you go out of town. Laura: [Long pause] Your looks. Steve Urkel: [sobbing] In about a week or so, but she gonna have to miss the prom. She imforms Maxine that Steve is safe and Rachel has just taken him home], Willie Fuffner: See officer, everything is fine. From now on, no parties and no TV. Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: I'm not dreaming anymore. My daughter's been hurt and I can't do a thing about it. He opted ofr early retirement. People stopped and starred, called me names, and some even spit at me. 1. [Urkel is playing Danny Boy on his Swiss Melody Chimes and Carl is furiously awaken by it. [strikes a pose] Laura? Carl Otis Winslow: Tell me Harriet, before I left for work this morning, did I or did I not tell Edward to empty the trash can? Then there's in the summer, when we use him as a human bug zapper. Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Good answer! Stefan Urkelle: Wake me, shake me, break me, but baby, don't forsake me. Undaunted, Steve switches the station to polka music and ends up having a good time dancing with Waldo and Maxine], Carl: By the way, thanks for letting me use your chamber, Stefan. Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Listen, Melissa may not be a cover girl. Verbs are our friends. Carl, someone parked their own piece of junk in our driveway. Rachel Crawford: Uh, Steve, would you mind coming over to the restaurant on Sunday at about 7:30? I realize the reason you don't love me is because I'm weak. Bye! Harriette Winslow: What's the matter, not feeling well? "No mo giet itsu mana! Stefan Urkelle: Not I know that's not Carl. Waldo: I got close once. I can turn you down without destroying your ego. Carl: Typical. Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Dad, cash is so impersonal. The truth is you deserve a kiss. Ms. Steuben: No, I'm a nervous teacher! [opens fire at Urkelbot who catches all the rounds in his hand], Urkelbot: [Urkelbot walks up to the robber and drops the bullets on the floor before lifting the robber off the floor with one hand], Urkelbot: [Terminator Impression] Hasta la vista, baby! "If I were a stop light I'd turn red every time you passed by, just so I could stare at you a bit longer.". Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Make one, then Xerox It! Carl Otis Winslow: Society places too much emphasis on being thin. Harriette Winslow: She says OGD's a great kid, but he hasn't had it easy in his life. We'll start with a common Korean phrase. Steve Urkel: [sobbing] No, it's Myra, her cold got worse. Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Carl and his father planned on doing a lot of things together, but they never got the chance. You're making me blush. Laura Lee Winslow: No no no, a GEEK party, as in nerd, doofus. Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: My uncle, Elijah Urkel, has been struck by lightning four times. Steve Urkel: Swell, Punch! Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Uh no, Waldo, state your name. No more chimes. He couldn't cover his head with his hat. Just blacked out for a second there! Cassie Lynn: Becky Sue! Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: What the heck is wrong with you? They're disgusting. Laura: Well, Steve, I've been trying to convince Waldo that girls find him attractive. Steve Urkel: Hey, I was following Eddie's instructions. Steve Urkel: You yelled at me and you called me a butthead! Rachel Crawford: Mother Winslow, guess what? He held operations in Chicago. That's all. Steve Urkel: Well, because it's different. I'm drawn to you. I think I'm gonna have to fire Waldo, Steve. Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Waldo! Let's keep this one! Harriette: [Reading] Swiss Family Robinson! "You're like Pringles; once I pop you, I can't stop you." 6. Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: You won't be sorry, sir. Carl: I'll tell you what's sad Harriette, I've watched two full hours of the "Bridges Of Madison County" and Clint didn't blow up one bridge! Laura: So do you Max, guess what, Steve rented us a limo. Second, no one must ever know about this "non-date". Laura Lee Winslow: No, I think we learned that Steve's experiments has gone too far. Harriette Winslow: Oh lord. next semester, are ya? This causes Steve, Waldo and Weasel to leave and Eddie laughs nervously]. Carl Otis Winslow: Richie, I get the money back if the helmet breaks. Curtis: I don't know how to tell you this, but I have to tell you straight out. Harriette Winslow: [enters the house and sees Curtis] Hi. Steve Urkel: [ice pack on his head from a hangover, Carl just told him a story from his drinking days] Eh he he, ow, eh he he ow, [snorts] WHOOAAOOH! Waldo Faldo: Why are ya gonna do that, Willie? It's to another restaurant. I just spend two hours talking a guy off a ledge, then found out he was a window washer. His parents were very upset. You made me so nervous that I had to go to the hospital to get the thimble taken off. I love this lady [Laura] and I can come over here anytime I want to and you can't stop me! And there is nothing you can do to ever change my mind. Waldo: We rented us a limo station wagon. Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Stevil was back and he was coming for my soul! I love ya too much to build you a dud! Chain: It occurs to me that you could be wired. Carl Otis Winslow: Don't get cute with me Harriet. [Steve goes to answer the door] I'm going to consummate, I'm going to consummate. Steve Urkel: By any chance, is that something you enjoy? Carl Otis Winslow: Out for a walk around the block. [after Steve's Urk-yeast exploded all over the room]. A heart that hurts. Steve Urkel: Nine years, three months, two weeks, four days, six hours, eight minutes, and fourteen seconds fifteen seconds sixteen seconds. Steve Urkel: Yeah, and then if you sneeze why, your entire head explodes like a cherry bomb in a cantaloupe. All you'll hear from me is an occasional, 'Mmmhmm, that's right.'. Never snort with a hangover! I'm finished with this witness, your honor! Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: [to Carl] I know you're stubborn as a mule but you don't have to act like a jackass! Laura: You know, I shouldn't be mingling with the opposition, but I just wanted to tell you how handsome you look under fluorescent lighting. Harriette Winslow: Laura, you've had your head in those books all morning, got a big test coming up? Harriette Winslow: [pulls up a chair] Sit down, Carl. Now, I may have taken a sip of my mom's coffee, but I Chain: I'm talkin' about the other kind of wired! He just told you to get lost. Steve Urkel: Look, I know the pay is lousy, the hours are long, and you hardly ever get the credit you deserve. This is my mother. Laura: Dad, you're exacerbating the situation instead of ameliorating it. [stares at the racist cop] Black. [just got lemon tart filling thrown at him]. A small gastronomic goof up.