Then, it hit me. These hilarious DIY jokes will bring down the house! W hen you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Men are like Blackberries. Why couldn't the all-star football player listen to music? All it was doing was gathering dust. @dadsaysjokes. There are no fish under the ice! He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel. He bit himself. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. I told them: I understand. Are you at peace with God?, Larry replies, God and I are tight. Tempting fate, I tried it on. Whats the best thing about Switzerland? Q: Youre riding a horse at full speed. The difference between "Ooooooh" and "Aaaaaah" is about three inches. Ugh! the student groaned. Snake 1: I just bit my lip. Im sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. He seems fine now, says the vet. When Im done, poof! A car hit an elderly man. Maybe youll find a brain back there., 45. I thought, thats Abba-riginal. Im 49.95. When my nine-year-old son, Simon, saw the T-shirt, he asked, Yes, but how much with tax? Submitted by Gilles St-Laurent. Reproduction without explicit permission is prohibited. ", "Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Dont miss these wild tales of the worlds dumbest criminals. I have been working as a couples therapist for 20 years, and I know how many fights begin because someone cant take a joke.. Keep these funny holiday jokes in mind for your next party! ', The wife smiles, and says 'Thank you, that means a lot.'". So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! Now were going to have to pee in the boat.. Sometimes life leads you astray with no one to turn to. 45 of Ricky Gervais funniest jokes Five, six, maybe seven times. Being broken up with. I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Beverly Jenkins is a humor and pop culture writer. But two weeks later, theres still no sign of the mutt. This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING. .ehsOqYO6dxn_Pf9Dzwu37{margin-top:0;overflow:visible}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu{height:24px}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu{border-radius:2px}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu:focus,._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu:hover{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-navIconFaded10);outline:none}._38GxRFSqSC-Z2VLi5Xzkjy{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._2DO72U0b_6CUw3msKGrnnT{border-top:none;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);cursor:pointer;padding:8px 16px 8px 8px;text-transform:none}._2DO72U0b_6CUw3msKGrnnT:hover{background-color:#0079d3;border:none;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-body)} One thing about Fred, his buddy says to the bartender. Tatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock. Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be, How to Talk to Your White Male Partner About Race, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. You should be seeing a psychiatrist, The guys replies, I am seeing a psychiatrist., The dentist says, Well then what are you doing here?. During the pandemic, my two granddaughterssix and eight years oldwere being home-schooled by their mom. Im addicted to Twitter! The doctor replies, Sorry, Im not following you.. Impressive, says the banker. Me: 2011. The jury comes back with the verdict. After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. Whats E.T. Since shes in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. 4 / 20. Next time you're at a loss for words, try out one of these one-liners andwatch your popularity soar!*. The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team 14. Just then, a saleswoman appeared. "Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. These funny tweets about food are sure to make you smile. Sir! She glares at the other little boy and asks, What do you want for breakfast? A dog is a bitch, dogs bark. A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the highway. You keep out of this! she yells. You could read it as "seriously" or as "a joke didn't walk into the . No, she said. In fact, my name is Murphy., Aha, thought the agent, heres my man. So he whispered the secret code: The sun is shining the grass is growing the cows are ready for milking., Oh, said the farmer, youre looking for Murphy the spy. Mom: Avocado, After my wife accidentally swallowed my prostate medication, our daughter called a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for alarm. My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. ", "If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving. Monica Hesse, writer, A stranger enters a store and spots a sign: DANGER! Light travels faster than sound. Our doctors office called to let my husband know that the results from his blood tests came back and he was just fine. But doesnt that suit fit great?. She says, Im here to give you super sex., After thinking for a minute the old man replies, I guess Ill have the soup., I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman. Steven Wright. That evening, he decides to go out. Sorry, Im not Adele. Are you looking for some funny kids football jokes? ", "Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat. You cross my mind only on Thursday morning. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? Its from Uncle Ben. 70. Submitted by Hoss Alfred. A friend and I were enjoying a coffee in our local haunt when an acquaintance stopped at our table and said, Hi, Ken. So what have you done with your life? he asks the dog. ' Tim Vine, This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. The odds that I got mugged twice last year because I look like the kind of guy that would calculate those odds? A man was stranded on a desert island for 20 years when a navy ship finally spots him. ._3bX7W3J0lU78fp7cayvNxx{max-width:208px;text-align:center} Reddit.com, If I worked in a used record store, I would tell every customer that all sales are vinyl. My father-in-law calmly shook his head. Now hes the village blacksmith. Relationships are a lot like Algebra. Here, boy, he replies. Mr. Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. My four-year-old grandson loves picking dandelions, placing them in a glass of water and presenting then to his mom. Sometimes it has vinaigrette or mayonnaise. Hes peeing in the refrigerator again!, For his birthday, an old mans nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. As a Russian prepares to cross the Ukrainian border, the border guard asks, Occupation?. He says to the man, "We're going to have to give you a drug test.". /*# sourceMappingURL=https://www.redditstatic.com/desktop2x/chunkCSS/TopicLinksContainer.3b33fc17a17cec1345d4_.css.map*/, A standard British one is "You couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery.". He never had a chance!, The man says, I dont know about that. But they were fully booked. After a few moments, Bill says, "Hurry up . Mom: How make chicken Daughter: What? Hows it work? Watch, said the drunk. A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He downs it, leaps off the roofand plummets 15 stories to the ground. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? I looked at him, puzzled, and said, But, sir, its raining! He replied, Then take an umbrella and water the plants. Submitted by Nilesh Patel, At the local hospitals emergency room, the nurse joked, as she fitted me with an ID wristband, Youve been bar-coded! I, being 72, added, Long past the best-before date. Submitted by Colin Campbell, If you understand English, press 1. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? 41 of Bill Baileys most gleefully funny jokes and one-liners Here are the fascinating origins of classic jokes. As a scarecrow, people say Im outstanding in my field. Keep your voice steady, avoid sounding too pleased with yourself, and deliver the line with a straight face. Jim nervously mimicked her. Submitted by Ryan George, Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. The odds of getting mugged twice are 1 in 2,500. A carrot. I couldnt help noticing how happy you look, she said. He was a tackling dummy. It can be a shared little world of private jokes, silly characters, and inside jokes that build trust and bring you closer to each other. The best time to add insult to injury is when youre signing somebodys cast. Demetri Martin, Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. Seeing that she is getting upset, Bill comments, Come on. He was just going through a stage. Instantly, the car appears on the beach. Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not Milton Jones, What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? Here are a few pieces of advice to help you hit the right note when firing off your favorite quote. If you laugh at these dark jokes, youre probably a genius. Check out 30 New Years jokes that will have you laughing out loud. You do you! Could you give a poor man something to eat? asks the hobo. A cornfield. Do you want to get a drink? I heard you the first time! says a small, irritated voice. These funny animal pictures are sure to crack you up! I laughed at all of your jokes My love you didn't need to coax Oh, Maggie, I couldn't have tried anymore . Oh, hey, kettle, Im pot and wow, youre black. Olivia Cunning, Tie Me, 26. One day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times. Milton Jones. What are you complaining about? he fires back. Got anything less expensive?Submitted by Rosemary Covert, Snake 1: Are we poisonous? As they hurtle towards the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man, Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings.Anonymous. And for a shave? Five dollars. All right, he said, settling into the barber chair. And how are the American students, Donald? she asked. These are the funniest lawyer jokes of all time. Thesehilarious school storiesare guaranteed to give you a laugh. Weeks? Its shift work. Except at a funeral.Demetri Martin, A guy walks into a dentists office and says, I think Im a moth., The dentist replies, You shouldnt be here. Whats your last wish? Well, Ive always wanted to donate a kidney.Submitted by Robert L. Jaffee, Growing up with a curious younger brother and a sharp-eared dad led to some memorable conversations as a teenager.